Tour Members,

Welcome to 2024 YPGA season!  Our signature YPGA event is back this year and will be packed with freshly cooked breakfast sandwiches followed by a plethora of shotguns.  This event, created in the squalls of 2022 has become a fan favorite to start the year.  Less pressure and more room to grow into their swings due to the unlimited shotguns, it has become a great way to reunite the Tour for the start of the 2024 season. 

One last congratulations to Vince Sobocinski on his third Executive Cup Championship.  Now, we shall never speak about it for the rest of the year.  After this year’s Executive Dinner, the committee has brought fresh ideas and fine tuning to this year’s iteration of the Tour Season.  First, we have scrapped a few tournaments and put a premium on few tournaments with hopefully a higher attendance rate.  Everyone will be afforded the opportunity to miss one tournament without it counting against them.  We also have an “option” tournament in late June where you can pick your date, or play both, and your best round of the two will count towards the standings.  Finally, our signature enhancement for the year will be our yearlong match play competition.  The bracket has been posted on the website for the Telegram-impaired.  Dates are published at the top of the bracket for deadlines to complete your matches.  Now, onto the Shotgun Classic:

Course: Pickering Valley Golf Club

Date: March 23, 2024

Location: Phoenixville, PA

First Tee Time: 11:00am

Tailgate Breakfast Provided by Pook Cooks® promptly at 10:00am.  Grab yourself a breakfast Sammie made fresh by our very own Paul Koch, who will be donning specially ordered apron and chef hat. 

Opening remarks by the YPGA Chief Operating Officer: 10:40am on practice putting green next to Hole #1 accompanied by swag distribution. 

Post Round Drinks – Nearby PJ Whelihans immediately after the round.

Rules: Unlimited Shotgun-Mulligans off the tee only.  You must do your shotgun BEFORE to hitting the mulligan shot.  No nonsense about “doing your shotgun after you tee off”.  Enforce the rules. 

Monetary Payment: $25pp to Ed Grambo via Venmo ($10 closest to the pin; $5 to Pook Cooks®).  Due immediately.  Pay him.

Closest to the Pin: Hole 10.

Event:  Stroke Play

YPGA Exec Cup Points: see Points Schedule.

Driving Range: Yes.

Putting Green: Yes.

*YPGA Course Rules for PVGC only:

We won’t know the exact condition of the course and weather is always a wild card this time of year.  As a result, we will honor the following rules:

1.      Lift, clean and place: only if there is mud on your ball, you may lift, clean and place if the ball is in the fairway.  You may not automatically lift, clean and place.

2.      Gimmes: gimmes can be taken if your putt is within a putter’s length of the hole.  Does not apply to birdie or eagle putts.  No gimmes at all on the last 3 holes (16, 17, 18).

3.      Embedded ball: Embedded ball relief can be taken anywhere in the fairway, or first cut.  Lift, clean your ball and replace it nearest to original spot.

4.      Pooled water: if your ball or stance is in pooled water, find the nearest dry spot, no closer to the hole.  Basically, move backwards or to the side to find a dry spot.

5.      Bunkers: Who knows what condition they will be in.  If there’s sand, you hit out of bunker as usual.  If your group deems the bunker as “Ground under Repair,” put your ball in the grass behind the bunker. 

6.      Do I get to move every ball to a preferred lie? No, you don’t.  If there’s no mud on the ball and the lie is dry, play it as it lies. 

2024 Storylines Headings into the Shotgun Classic

The 2024 season seems to be a defining point in the Tour’s existence.  The Tour is coming off a memorable and superbly planned golf trip to Streamsong.  A special thanks to Vince for planning a flawless trip filled with amazing courses, great dinners and friendship and the traditional pukegate from Vince during our steak dinner.  Vibes are high and Executive Committee is already in full gear to wrap up the final details for Lake Oconee in November followed by hot plans for the destination trip for 2025 (stay tuned).  Vince has parlayed his event planning prowess into making a guarantee that he will three-peat in 2024. Who's going to challenge him?

Perhaps the favorite person to write about is Ed Grambo.  Let’s review this guy’s recent months.  A dismal but alcohol laden performance in Streamsong coupled with announcing to the entire course that he was going to “fuck Drew (Kerr) in the mouth” to only realize that he was standing in front of the cart girl, who was coincidentally named “Drew”.  He followed that performance with a complete overhaul of his entire bag – new bag, new driver, new woods, new irons, new glove, new speaker/range finder symptom, new shoes.  We won’t even recognize him anymore.  With all the new upgrades, Ed is going to look awesome pull hooking the ball all spring until he hits his stride.

David King is jacked for the new season where he hopes to only compete in Vegas’ and take everyone’s money by playing -1 through 5 holes en route to a 108 score.  He’ll tell you he’s going to get lessons though.  Carney – you won a major! However, your endless amount of mediocrity on the golf course will persist in 2024 yielding no further success.  Enjoy the top of your mountain because this will be as good as it gets.  No, new irons won’t make a difference.  Billy Kelly, remember when you were dominant on Tour.  You were drinking beers, getting high, hitting lasers, and beating everyone in sight. Now, only one of those things is true.  Get back in the lab.  Musselman hopes to rebound and get back to form after injury derailed his 2022 and hampered his 2023 season.  That Patitucci wedding was never a good idea.  New irons are in the bag so my money is on Mike to regain some form and then dominate around the greens per the usual.  Paul Koch is riding the high of his life when he was tasked to manage the grill for the Shotgun Classic tailgate.  The pundits have a real concern about Pookie’s ball flight –mainly, because there really isn’t one anymore. 

Chris Meyer and Nate Kraynak, Lower Gwynedd’s finest, must be wondering if this is the year that they finally take that leap to the lower teen handicap.  Stuck in the upper teens for several years cannot be good for the country club membership.  However, a few majors under their belts will give them another couple of years of flying under the radar without criticism from the pundits.  Dr. Jerry Margiotti – paging Dr. Faggot (cred: The Hangover, 2009).  Jerry will miss the Shotgun Classic after bailing on Streamsong last minute last November.  Seems to be a trend that maybe Jerry can’t face the growing competition on Tour. No-shows raise bigger concerns amid growing mentions of Teagan. Whatever the reason, the Tour misses Jerry’s pastels and repetitive jokes.  Andy is booming low 80s all winter long at Blue Bell Country Club but will it EVER translate to the mediocre public courses that the Tour plays on?  Haven’t seen any sign that it will and but more importantly, can we finally start talking about the BBCC membership, tens of thousands of dollars on lessons, golf simulator, and multiple weekday rounds per week and that Andy has still NOT won anything in the Tour’s seven-year existence.  Andy is firmly in the crosshairs.  Speaking of someone else who has failed to win anything, hey Wayne! We get it, you’re good, you have a low handicap and can hit it far, but step the fuck up when it matters most and win something.  2024 will likely not be your year because you love to overthink every tee shot and pull a 3-iron over booming the driver.  Matt Launi, are you alive? Show us proof of life please.  We miss you and fear that we have lost you to the soccer sidelines or as an alcohol influencer.  Jay Torrance spent all off-season in the lab working on increasing his swing speed from that of a 4-year old girl to someone that resembles a grown man, right? If you’ve ever seen more suppleness and deceleration in a golf swing, let me know.  Jay is a winner though with multiple majors under his belt so he’s not Andy at least. 

So much intrigued centers on the group of Anthony Fucinari, Greg Taglialatela, Drew Kerr, Michael Patitucci and Michael Sabara.  So much sauce, or gravy, or red shit, in one group of people that are hoping to rise out of the cellar of deplorable golf.  In all fairness, this group has gotten better where most of the Tour doesn’t bemoan being paired up with any of these individuals, but they still pose no threat in the standings.  The early money is on Tag to rise to the top from this group.  A country club membership plus consistent golf appearances bode well for Greg if he doesn’t overdose on edibles mid-round.  Sabara, who should have a swing speed competition with Jay, has shown flashes of not sucking, but he in fact does still suck.  Anthony, with his attendance and hook problems, can’t seem to generate enough consistency to get better, and the same goes with Patitucci, who would probably play better if he could wear cargo shorts, a headband and sandals.  It would behoove him to stop being racist and berating the YPGA’s IT department because karma goes a long way in golf.  Drew Kerr – welcome back to the east side after hanging out with all the ugly people in Pittsburgh for a decade.  If you want to see an athletic person look unathletic as fuck swinging a golf club, watch Drew.  Something tells me that Drew is going to love the Shotgun Classic though.  Speaking of new guys, welcome Scott Dalane to the Tour.  Scott loves high swing speeds and erratic course management, but solid player all around.  However, the tension and gamesmanship of the YPGA Tour is something that no one is ready for. 

We look forward to welcoming everyone on Saturday, March 23, 2024.  If you have plans after the round already, stop being a pussy, cancel them, and hang out with your friends after golf.  YPGA events are created so we can hang out, golf, and get drinks after, not so everyone can run home to their wives, kids, or bumble dates.  See you out there Saturday!